I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
