The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I'm having to shit out rocks
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
