I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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