in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
