I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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