what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃