somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
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She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
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I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.