Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
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Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread