and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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