Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
