I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
