Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
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he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
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Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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