so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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