today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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