Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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