if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
