I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
