I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
