just come out here and I will go home with you...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
