I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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