just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
