# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
