Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
