***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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