don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
