broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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