lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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