i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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