New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
