I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
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why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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