I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
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I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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