Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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