so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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