He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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