she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
