I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
