Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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