Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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