I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
