I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
