i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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