if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
