Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
