it was like eating out sand paper
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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