At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
