I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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