There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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