he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
