I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
