Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
