your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
