Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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