I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
