She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we made out on top of his cat.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
