I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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