Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize