I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
